Manchester United to sign Diego Costa

If you're reading this at work, lucky you. If you're reading this at work after reaching your office/factory/lighthouse on time, with all the requisite tools, odour-free and fully clothed, then congratulation – you're better than Manchester United!

Yes, the word is that United have suddenly realised that they've turned up for duty drastically underprepared and wildly over-confident in their ability to get away with it, like an ambulance driver arriving at a scene in a shopping trolley shouting "be baw, be baw, be baw". The question now is what are United going to do about it. The media shows no signs of consensus, with reports of how much the Glazers are going to make available ranging from £50m to £200m, to be spent either this month, next summer and or only in the manager's dreams. Here's a handy motto to help you make sense of it all: if in doubt, believe what it says in the Guardian. Though not necessarily in the Mill, obviously.

Still, two things on which there seems to be general agreement is that if Moyes is given money, he will try to nab the Atlético Madrid striker Diego Costa and long-standing target Ander Herrera. Neither of them may get a chance to play with Nemanja Vidic, who is reportedly being lined up for a transfer to Fiorentina.

Manchester City, meanwhile, have their heart set on a 15-year-old Swedish prodigy Zacharias Faour, who is currently on the books of Malmo and has been described as "the new Zlatan Ibrahimovic", though if he really is anything like Zlatan he would doubtless declare that Zlatan is merely the old Zacharias Faour.

Erik Lamela – remember him? He's the player Tottenham spent a record fee on but now appear reluctant to play which suggests: a) they are waiting for him to adapt to the Premier League; b) he is not quite as good as they thought; c) Spurs are a club with little strategic foresight and are just making things up as they go along, scrapping a £100m project at the drop of a hat and replacing the foreman with an utter novice who wants use completely different methods and personnel.

It's anyone's guess which of those answers is correct but Internazionale are hoping it's either b) or c) and that Spurs will thus agree to release Lamela this month. However, Inter are not prepared to offer Fredy Guarín to Spurs, Chelsea or anyone else.

The Mill has paid little attention to Bradley Orr over the years. Today we right that unforgivable wrong by reporting he is on the verge of a move toToronto FC. Now you know.

MK Dons' 17-year-old centreback Della Ali could be on the brink of a transfer to Liverpool who, unlike Nottingham Forest, are not interested inConnor Wickham.

Whatever affliction it is that prevents José Mourinho from seeing the merits of Juan Mata it does not appear to be shared by anyone else: Atlético have today joined the rest of Europe in courting the Chelsea misfit.

Fulham are fluttering their eyelashes at the Brondby striker Simon Makienok but he, apparently, wants to hear more about the club's "project" and "philosophy", which the Mill's thesaurus lists as synonyms for "pay policy".

Tony Pulis's attempt to continue building on the fine work of Keith Millen now involve luring Demba Ba to Selhurst Park.

Assuming, safely, that Sam Allardici doesn't convince him to join West Ham, Clarence Seedorf could be appointed as the new manager of Milan. "He was a great player but managing is something else entirely," warned Massimiliano Allegri, who, funnily enough, is Milan's current manager.

Stoke and West Ham are locking horns to try to secure the signature of the Olympiakos defender Claude Dielna.

Finally, Paul Lambert has a burning desire to make himself and Chris Hughton even more unpopular at Carrow Road, so he is planning to buyWes Hoolahan.